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Mommy Dating Basics

I like to call befriending other moms “mommy dating.”  It is pretty similar to real dating and just like real dating there are so many variables: where to meet other moms, making the connection, going out for that second (play)date, keeping in contact, when to Facebook friend each other and getting to know one another. It’s a lot of work!

Before getting married, I was very straight forward when meeting someone.  For instance, I’ve never been afraid to walk up to a guy, start talking and ask them for their digits (wow, that made me feel old).  But starting friendships with other moms (mommy dating) makes me anxious and I have more butterflies in my stomach than a teenage boy asking a girl to homecoming.  Just thinking about it right now is making my chest tight and armpits sweat.  There is a weird dynamic to making friends as an adult.  The pickup line “hey wanna play?” has a totally different meaning when you’re grown.  I don’t want to seem too eager or desperate and I’d like to show that I am informed about mommy stuff without sounding like a know-it-all.  It’s a very tight rope to balance, but once you’ve made the connection you’re golden!

My tips for mommy dating… 

1. Where to meet moms.  The park is a great place because it is free and there is almost always someone there.  Check your local library or children’s museum for kids events.  Getting your kid into a sport or activity is bound to help both of you make friends.  Meetup.com usually has playdate groups or you can start your own.

2. Breaking the ice.  Talking about a stroller, a toy, or her baby’s cute shoes are all easy ways to break the ice.  Also mommy struggles and triumphs are lively ways to connect.

3. Talking about the daddy.  Beware.  Sounding too happy or unhappy about your relationship can make or break things.  Quickly.  A little back and forth about silly things The Dads do is ok, but who wants to hear about Mr. Perfect or about the psycho you definitely don’t want your kid around?  Keep it to a minimum.

4. Ending the convo.  This part is so awkward.  The conversation is dwindling down and it’s obviously time to leave by the sound of your cranky, screaming child, but you’re not sure when you should jump in with the line “so… are you going to be here tomorrow?”  Or even more awkward, “do you wanna get together… ya know, maybe take the kids to Gymboree?”

5. When to send a Facebook friend request.  Ok, so of course you have to check out her page, ya know, just to make sure she isn’t a crazy person.  It definitely helps you get a sense of what you are dealing with – vegan, religious, drama queen, “crunchy,” a partier, whatever.  And no this is not Facebook stalking!  I, I mean you, are merely doing your due diligence and checking out a new person who may be around your child.  All-in-all, I’d say wait until you have talked on the phone a few times to see if you two click.

Have any tips or experiences to add?  Comment below!

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10 Ways to Get Sleep as a New Mommy

When you are in your last trimester of pregnancy, everyone is so excited to meet the baby.  And in your mind, that sweet, angelic, little bundle of joy is going to come into your life, go with the flow and make everything perfect.  Suuuuure!  What people don’t tell you is that those newborn months can be brutal.  Of course you love your little noise-maker more than life itself, but sleep deprivation is real.  I’m convinced that mommy’s train Navy Seals.  Yup.

Here are some tips to help you, your partner and your baby get more sleep.

1. Accept help.  This one was tough for me because I felt guilty, as if I were an inadequate mom, if I couldn’t do everything for my son without help.  But that is ridiculous – there are no “supermom” awards given out.  You are actually doing your baby a great service by napping because sleep deprivation can impact your mood and cognitive function.  Had I known then what I know now, I would have willingly accepted any offers for help.  If someone calls and asks, “do you need anything?” the correct answer is yes!  Say it with me now, with no shame, “yes, I need help.”  Having someone bring food, help clean your house or even watch the baby while you shower/nap is a precious gift.  Graciously accept it and when they have a baby return the favor.

2. Routine.  Don’t bother trying to sleep train your newborn.  Babies have a natural sleep/eat pattern and if you keep a log it can be easy to follow your baby’s lead.  Try to stay as consistent as possible with your daily routine to encourage your baby to develop a good sleep pattern.  There are lots of apps that help you remember the last time your baby slept/ate/poo’d or you can use good ‘ol pencil and paper (which is convenient for keeping your partner in the loop).  I had no idea about schedules when my son was born.  Here is a sample schedule for new parents to get an idea of how to predict your baby’s needs.

3. Dr. Harvey Karp’s book (and DVD – check your local library or buy it hereThe Happiest Baby on the Block Guide to Great Sleep.  This book really helped us get into a good sleeping routine.  His signature 5 S’s (swing, swaddle, suck, sush, side) technique is a gentle way to help your baby fall asleep and stay asleep.

4. Shift work.

  • If formula feeding:  You and your partner can alternate feedings every other night or nightly (ex: 10 p.m. – 2 a.m. or 2 a.m. – 6 a.m. shift) so that you both can get a solid block of sleep.  It can also be helpful for each person to take their shift in the nursery as to not wake your partner.  Keep bottles with pre-measured formula next to your bed with a jug of room temperature water for easy midnight feeds.  No need to run to the kitchen or even warm the bottles.
  • If breastfeeding:  Your partner can change the baby’s diaper, then bring the baby to you to nurse. That way your partner can be included and you don’t have to be groggy very long.  Also, pumped breast milk can sit at room temperature for up to 4 hours and in some cases up to six hours.  So nursing before you go to sleep, then your partner doing the next feed, will allow you to get more sleep.

5. Co-sleeping.

6. White noise (machine or CD) is your best friend.  It mimics the sounds that they hear in the womb and drowns out T.V., talking, cars and squeaky floors.

7. Blackout curtains and a dim lamp.  Having a dark room promotes melatonin, the hormone that regulates your sleep-awake cycle, which helps you to fall asleep.  Babies melatonin levels increase after 3 months of age.  Turning off overhead lights, turning on a lamp and limiting noise 30 minutes prior to bed or nap time can really help your love bug get in the mood for sleep.  I still do this with my 15 month old.

8. Chamomile tea can be given to newborns (it helps with colic too), but not as a substitute for milk.  After steeping the tea, let it cool completely, then add 1-2 oz (diluted with water) in a bottle or medicine dropper if nursing.  Do not overuse this tea as it can block iron absorption in larger amounts – which is crucial for breastfed babies.

9. Buy baby pajamas with minimal buttons.  Buttons are the devil to a glossy eyed, slightly comatose new mom.  Zippers, gowns, swaddles, sleep sacks, even onesies with pants are much easier in the middle of the night when you feel like a living zombie fumbling around in the dark.

10. Sleep when the baby sleeps.  Everyone gives this advice and honestly, it’s almost impossible to do, but try to implement some of the strategies above for yourself as well as for the baby.

Regardless as to what I am telling you, you are a new mom, with a brand spanking new baby, so there’s no way you aren’t going to stare at him all night making sure he is breathing.  Or just thinking of how beautiful he is and how you’re now somebody’s mama.  And it’s okay.  You’ll eventually pass out, get a few hours of sleep and feel like a new woman in the morning!  At that point, feel free to brush your teeth, brush your hair and change your panties.  Don’t worry mama, you’re doing a great job!

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Meditation Monday: The Stressed

TGIM!  Yes, I said Thank Goodness It’s Monday.  Don’t hear that one very often – or pretty much ever.  This past weekend was very rough and I’m happy that it is over.  My son was having an unusually painful teething day, my errands were scattered around town, I left a blanket in the washing machine – which I’m sure has 15 different kinds of mold on it by now.  I barely cooked a real meal, my husband worked all weekend, the dog destroyed his bed again and no matter how much I cleaned, the house was still a mess.  Oh yeah, and my little love muffin hid the base to the house phone so I couldn’t charge it.  Needless to say, I was stressed.  Everything just seemed to go wrong and the little issues kept piling up.  At one point I laid on my bed, closed my eyes and wished that a cleaning/cooking/nanny fairy would fix it all.  Well I am no fairy, but I am the cleaner, cook and nanny so those jobs were hardly getting done.  Woosah!

Continuing with my efforts to incorporate meditation into my life, I decided to look for a video that would help me relax and get things back on track.  I really like this video because it reminds me that I can only do so much and to focus on one thing at a time.

What are some ways that you relieve the stress in your life?  Please leave a comment below and let me know about your meditation experience.

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My Birth Story

I was told that every mom should write out her birth story.  I don’t know if it’s either to reminisce on the wonderful experience you had or to tell your know-it-all teenagers how much work you did to get them here and how they should be grateful, but here it goes.

The morning I went into labor was a regular morning.  We got up, had breakfast and decided to drive out to the in-laws house about 45 minutes away.  Mister and his dad were grilling steaks while his mom and I were lounging by the hot tub.

Mister jokes, “you should stay the night over here and I’ll pick you up in a few days.”

To which my MIL replies, “oh no!  She’s not going into labor over here!”

My FIL (father-in-law) then chimes in, “she looks like she’s gonna have that baby in about 7 hours!”  We all laughed not knowing that it would be true.

When we got home I cooked dinner; we decided to watch a movie.  As he is getting everything set up, I go pee (for the millionth time that day) and see blood.  Um… WTF is that about?  I had read about women losing their mucus plug or water breaking, but I had never heard about blood.  I peeked my head out of the bathroom and yelled down to Mister “I think I’m in labor!  I’m going to call the midwife.”  He starts pacing back and forth.  I call the midwife’s office and leave a message for her to call me back.  Mister says “oh no, I have to get gas!”  O.M.G. This is not happening.  While he is at the gas station, the midwife calls back and tells me to come to the hospital.

As we drive down the freeway, I’m gripping the seatbelt with gut wrenching contractions just to I look over to see that Mister is doing the speed limit!  Yeah, because I am not in a hurry at all.  We finally arrive at the hospital.  My nurse, Danielle, put me in a wheelchair and took me to my birthing room.  She checks me and says that I’m 6-7cm!  What?!  It has only been an hour!  That means that this baby is almost here!  OMG, OMG, OMG, THIS IS THE MOMENT!  I had already planned to have a natural water birth so I firmly asked Danielle to get my birthing pool ready because I needed some relief.  Poor Danielle… she was so sweet and calm as I ordered her around for the next few hours.  I had to be on the fetal monitor for 30 minutes and in the meantime my in-laws showed up.

It was finally time to get into the pool.  Ahhh instant pain relief.  I floated on my back for a minute while Mister pushed water over my body.  Ya know, months prior I was really paranoid about being naked during birth and was sure that I’d cover up.  But in that moment I really didn’t care.  It was ALL hanging out.  And I do mean ALL.  I decided to change positions and get on my knees with my head lying on the side of the pool.  All of a sudden I felt the urge to push.  Danielle says, “don’t push yet love” in her calm Jamaican accent.  My midwife, Margaret, had not arrived.  I said, “I can’t help it Danielle.  I’m not trying to push, my body is doing it.”  I pushed about 5 or so times before Margaret came into the room.  Everyone was quiet.  Margaret did not coach me through my birth.  She had confidence that I could do this myself and really let me do my own thing.  I’m so grateful for her.  I pushed about 20 times and our son was born.  In that moment, Mister decided to cut the umbilical cord.  I got out of the pool and walked to my bed.  I felt great!  Danielle laid our son on my chest and I said to Mister “DUDE, we’ve got a kid!” as if I just had an epiphany.  Everyone in the room laughed.

I stayed up all night thinking about my new title: mom.  It was kinda scary at first, but becoming a mother has been the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Duty calls…