My Birth Story

I was told that every mom should write out her birth story.  I don’t know if it’s either to reminisce on the wonderful experience you had or to tell your know-it-all teenagers how much work you did to get them here and how they should be grateful, but here it goes.

The morning I went into labor was a regular morning.  We got up, had breakfast and decided to drive out to the in-laws house about 45 minutes away.  Mister and his dad were grilling steaks while his mom and I were lounging by the hot tub.

Mister jokes, “you should stay the night over here and I’ll pick you up in a few days.”

To which my MIL replies, “oh no!  She’s not going into labor over here!”

My FIL (father-in-law) then chimes in, “she looks like she’s gonna have that baby in about 7 hours!”  We all laughed not knowing that it would be true.

When we got home I cooked dinner; we decided to watch a movie.  As he is getting everything set up, I go pee (for the millionth time that day) and see blood.  Um… WTF is that about?  I had read about women losing their mucus plug or water breaking, but I had never heard about blood.  I peeked my head out of the bathroom and yelled down to Mister “I think I’m in labor!  I’m going to call the midwife.”  He starts pacing back and forth.  I call the midwife’s office and leave a message for her to call me back.  Mister says “oh no, I have to get gas!”  O.M.G. This is not happening.  While he is at the gas station, the midwife calls back and tells me to come to the hospital.

As we drive down the freeway, I’m gripping the seatbelt with gut wrenching contractions just to I look over to see that Mister is doing the speed limit!  Yeah, because I am not in a hurry at all.  We finally arrive at the hospital.  My nurse, Danielle, put me in a wheelchair and took me to my birthing room.  She checks me and says that I’m 6-7cm!  What?!  It has only been an hour!  That means that this baby is almost here!  OMG, OMG, OMG, THIS IS THE MOMENT!  I had already planned to have a natural water birth so I firmly asked Danielle to get my birthing pool ready because I needed some relief.  Poor Danielle… she was so sweet and calm as I ordered her around for the next few hours.  I had to be on the fetal monitor for 30 minutes and in the meantime my in-laws showed up.

It was finally time to get into the pool.  Ahhh instant pain relief.  I floated on my back for a minute while Mister pushed water over my body.  Ya know, months prior I was really paranoid about being naked during birth and was sure that I’d cover up.  But in that moment I really didn’t care.  It was ALL hanging out.  And I do mean ALL.  I decided to change positions and get on my knees with my head lying on the side of the pool.  All of a sudden I felt the urge to push.  Danielle says, “don’t push yet love” in her calm Jamaican accent.  My midwife, Margaret, had not arrived.  I said, “I can’t help it Danielle.  I’m not trying to push, my body is doing it.”  I pushed about 5 or so times before Margaret came into the room.  Everyone was quiet.  Margaret did not coach me through my birth.  She had confidence that I could do this myself and really let me do my own thing.  I’m so grateful for her.  I pushed about 20 times and our son was born.  In that moment, Mister decided to cut the umbilical cord.  I got out of the pool and walked to my bed.  I felt great!  Danielle laid our son on my chest and I said to Mister “DUDE, we’ve got a kid!” as if I just had an epiphany.  Everyone in the room laughed.

I stayed up all night thinking about my new title: mom.  It was kinda scary at first, but becoming a mother has been the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Duty calls…


Let’s Begin at the Beginning

My “About Me” tab states that at the start of this blog my son is 14 months.  That is actually untrue.  This blog was conceived right after he was conceived.  I found out that I was pregnant very early on and a good friend said “hey you should blog about your pregnancy!”  It was such a great idea because my pregnancy was a surprise and since I’m a comedian (self-proclaimed) and a bit eccentric it would be cool for people to read about my journey (freak-outs) of becoming a mom.  I was trying to come up with a name for this blog when hypermesis gravidarum struck.

Hypermesis gravidarum is extreme and persistent nausea and vomiting during pregnancy that can lead to dehydration.  Basically I was puking my brains out about 4 times a day for the first 15 weeks of my pregnancy.  I never had an appetite during the first trimester.  And if anyone knows me, they know that food is my life.  My. Life.  Everyday I wake up thinking of food so you can imagine that not being able to eat was my worst nightmare (besides clowns – not a fan).  My body was so achy, weak and nauseous that I could barely talk on the phone or leave the couch – unless I was running to put my head in the toilet.  Mister recalls that time period as “throw up being the soundtrack to his dining experiences.”  One time during a bout of dry-heaving I hear Mister and my MIL (mother-in-law) yell “thanks for taking one for the team!”  Man how I wished we had a T.V. in our bedroom because the bathroom would have been much closer.  Looking back, why didn’t I just have Mister move the tv to our bedroom?  Duh!  Wow, that was dumb.  Anyway, I was completely miserable and unable to blog about it.

Once I started feeling better in the fourth month I was hitting the streets!  I was so excited to be able to leave the house that I went out whenever I could.  Walking around the mall, visiting friends, relaxing at the park, reading at the library, going out to lunch and dinner, anywhere but home.  Oh and the food… mmm… the wonderful food.  Pregnancy is like bacon – it makes everything taste better.  Unless it stinks, then it is the most putrid, dumpster, roadkill, awful thing you’ve ever smelled.  Before I knew it, it was month six.  I was as big as a house and my cankles (calf + ankle) were on fire.  I looked like a member of the Klumps family.  Around month seven the heartburn kicked in so bad and my body became so uncomfortable that I could barely sleep.  Daytime naps for two hours in between my round the clock eating fest and elevating my cankles became the norm.  Yeah, I was a hot mess.  Month nine flew by so fast!  It felt as though I was saying “wahoo, month 9… baby is almost out” and 5 minutes later he was born.

So there you have it.  That is why I didn’t start this blog until after he was born.  Why I waited until he was 14 months, now that’s another story…

Duty calls.